Goodbye Dad....

One week ago today, my dad passed away.  He got sick a little over a year ago, had his ups and downs this past year, but was hospitalized in January of this year and never got better.  I think part of the reason that I am handling this as well as I am at this moment is because his death did not come as a shock to me.  I had been telling the doctors for at least a month before his passing that I didn't think he was getting better, and I wanted to have a chance to take him home so he could breath fresh air, be around his loved ones, and be free from the hospital bed.  That never happened.  Instead the day before he passed, he finally made the decision for himself to not continue dialysis, to not have anymore tests, no more pokes, just comfort measures.  All he wanted to was to go outside and breath fresh air.  Oh, and drink a pepsi and smoke a cigarette! :)  Such simple little things, things you and I take for granted and that's all he wanted before he passed.  He had not been allowed to drink Pepsi for the past year and that was his FAVORITE!  At least I was able to get that for him.  As I was leaving the room that Thursday afternoon, he called after me to come back in the room.  He told me to give him a kiss and he told me that he loved me.    I walked out of the hospital crying somehow knowing that would be the last time I ever heard my father speak to me, the last time I ever heard him tell me he loved me, the last kiss he would ever give me.  The next morning I woke up and received a message to get to the hospital immediately.  By the time I arrived at the hospital, he had already passed away.  I was escorted into a room to say goodbye to him.  Then I was handed a piece of paper and walked out of the hospital knowing that my life had just changed forever.  I was told that he had slipped into a coma overnight, and that his death was very peaceful, and in my heart I know he didn't want me to be there when he passed.  He told me that the day before.


    Tomorrow, we are having the Memorial Service for him.  And on Monday, I will take his ashes to be buried at the Veteran's Cemetery near Annapolis.  I have been doing ok this week.  I have been through this two times before and always seems to be the same.  The first week is like just going through the motions, get done what needs to be done, and worry about falling apart later.  I want to thank everyone who has been there for me through this and everything else that has gone on in my life.  I really pray that this is the last major tragedy that our family has to deal with anytime soon.  We have lost Mark, lost Jorge, and now my dad.  I know that I have three angels looking down on me watching over me.  I just really wish they were still here with me now.  Those were three of the strongest people I have ever met and each one taught me something about myself, about life, about love, that no one else could ever show me.


    
  

Update on My Dad

I just want to thank everyone for your constant thoughts and prayers for my dad.  It's easier for me to just write a general update on here rather than reply to several emails.  Many of you know that my dad was transferred to Johns Hopkins last Wednesday.  It has not been what we were expecting at all, but it is what it is.  I just got back from visiting with him and was finally able to talk with a doctor for the first time since he was admitted.  Since he's been in Baltimore, he's received dialysis a few times as scheduled.  They tried to add an extra day over the weekend, but were unble to get any fluid off due to his blood pressure dropping so low.  He has all kinds of CT scans, and MRI, sonograms, etc... of his stomach to see why that has become so bloated.  He had a lot of extra fluid in his abdomen and was causing him a lot of pain, but they wouldn't give him any pain meds because they were afraid it would slow down his breathing.  Last night they finally decided to drain his stomach and were able to remove about 3 liters.  He is much more comfortable, but still is very swollen all over.  He said he's had about 24 pounds or so of fluid removed in the past week (between the dialysis and draining his abdomen).  You can imagine how skinny he is at this point.  They found bacteria in the fluid in his stomach and are treating him with antibiotics.  He also has pneumonia and are treating him for that.  He is still bleeding out and no idea what is causing that.  They did a MRI today which showed a very large cyst in his pancreas and he will be having a biopsy of that on Friday as well as some other kinds of testing.  We are going on 7 weeks now of no real answers, just new complications.  How he's held on so long is truly a mystery to me. 

I have no idea who is reading this, but if you happen to know Harriet (or her children), please do not pass along any info regarding my dad.  My dad has talked to her, my mom has talked to her (and is telling her more or less what is going on), and she still feels the need to be more informed.  My dad has made it very clear to me and in his own words, "Tell her to leave me the f**k alone and stay out of my business."  You would think when my dad let her keep the house, boats, and everything else in FL, she would have gotten the hint that he has no desire to ever see her again in life, but some people don't catch on so quickly! ;)

Anyway, I am supposed to be getting a call from another doctor tomorrow morning with a little more info.  (I am seriously not holding my breath!)  And will update with any changes.  Thanks again for the prayers! :)

Not for the Easily Offended....

Not that I am one to hold back, I will just warn that this blog might include things that are TMI!!! LOL 

Ok, I have a very good friend who means the world to me.  No one can brighten my day quite like him, he makes me smile and laugh, and whenever I am near him, I just feel happy.  He's not someone that I have to put on an act with, I can just be me.  We talk to each other about things going on in our lives, we can joke around, and we can also be brutally honest with each other without worrying that our friendship will change.  He is such a good guy, with a heart of gold and when I see the way he is with his daughter, it almost brings me to tears.  A lot of men out there could take lessons from him about what a real father acts like!  He's an awesome dad, friend, and person.  And I am so glad he is part of my life.  All of that being said, last night I saw something on FB (Yes, I know it's only FB and I am not 12 years old!) that sort of surprised me.  But since he is such a good friend, I only want the best for him and I want him to be happy!  So, I called up my best friend, Fredi, and she told me to just wait until I talk to him, and not to jump to conclusions, and to basically chill out! ;)  But, I was sad, and I woke up sad, and cried and cried some more... (This is where Fredi texted me and I will use nicer words but basically told me, "You are not really that upset, you are just PMSing."  I need to point out, that normally, she has to let me know this each month! LOL Since having my hysterectomy last year, I do not get warning signs that PMS is gonna hit...It just hits and hits hard! 

I decided I was tired of feeling sorry for myself, so I told Brandon it was time to go do some retail therapy, shopping!!!  We got in the car, and I got a text from the friend explaining the situation to me and I suddenly felt very stupid for getting upset!  So, I started crying more that I had wasted so many tears on something so irrelevant! Brandon was in the backseat saying, "Don't cry, Mommy! Don't be sad, Mommy!  Do you need a tissue???"  I wiped away my tears and started pulling out of the gas station.  I put down the sun visor, but moved it to the left by the window.  Since I was going around a turn, I pulled down the second visor (which I didn't even realize was there until today) to block the sun infront of me.  All of a sudden, I felt something fall on my head.  It shocked me so much, that I didn't have time to even see what it was.  I pulled into the store, and looked in my lap and it was 3 condoms.... I sat there in shock thinking WTF for a few seconds then burst out laughing hysterically.  I guess Jorge thought I needed some comic relief to my day.  I just am sooooo thankful that it was Brandon in the car with me and not Ryan or my mom or anyone else! LOL  Thank you, Jorge!

In case you might be wondering why the hell there would be condoms in my truck, it used to belong to Jorge.  I didn't start driving it until after he passed away.  So, I have been drving this thing for a year and a half having no clue there were condoms about 6 inches from my head this whole time! LOL

Count Your Blessings, Not Your Troubles....

   Tonight, I had a nurse at the hospital flat out tell me, "Man, you have a shitty life!"  Surprisingly enough, she is not the first person who has told me this! ;)  I know at times it seems like my life is one crisis after another (not self inflicted), that my life is FAR from perfect.  But you know what?  It's MY life!!!  I think I have a pretty damn good life!  Obviously I could have done without losing my son and his father to cancer.  And raising two young boys, one of which is autistic is hard.  And I wish my father was not ill.  But I have soooo many things to be thankful for!  I own a home, I have a car that gets me where I need to go, I am able to provide for my children, I have some of the most awesome and insane friends, I have parents who are soooo good to me, and I have two little boys who are my whole world!  The circumstances in my life do not make me.  It's what I have done with those circumstances that makes me the person I am today.  Do I have days where I am down and depressed?  Of course...I am only human... But for the most part, I am able to find something to smile about and be happy about EVERY DAY!

   I have people tell me, "Wow, I can't imagine going through everything you have been through without killing myself..."  Ummm, honestly, the thought has NEVER crossed my mind.  And to me, my life seems normal.  At this point, I can't imagine NOT going though the things I have been through.  I think I am more compassionate, more empathetic, have a better grip on reality than I did when I was younger, and am able to deal with life better because I can find humor or joy in the smallest things.   I don't feel like I am stronger than anyone else.  I just deal with life as it comes.  Do I complain?  Yes... Sometimes it gets to be too much... But people complain about a lot of things... I hear people complain about their jobs, their spouses, money, etc... Why shouldn't I be able to vent once in awhile?  It's NORMAL!!!  

   Anyway, before you judge someone else's life, take a look at your own.  I feel blessed everyday... I am able to smile, I am happy, and this is my life...not yours... :)

Only On Planet Clueless.....

For those of you who think I may be picking on my brother, and I am too hard on him, I need to share a little story to shed some light on the situation... I swear I couldn't even make up this stuff if I tried!!!

So, the other day I dropped Brandon off to Rusty and had to go check out some nursing homes for my dad before heading down to the hospital.  As I was touring the nursing home, my brother texted me and said to please call him.  He had something important to tell me.  Well, I forgot to call him.  He called me when I was at the hospital and was in the middle of talking with the doctor.  I walked away from the doctor to take my brother's call.  (Remember: He said it was important!)  He proceeded to tell me that he was bored, so he called Budweiser.  Apparently when he went to the store the other day all the cases of Budweiser were more than 90 days past the born on date... So, after talking to a rep at Budweiser, they are going to send him a baseball cap and shirt that are not usually available to the general public.  At this point, I am just staring at my phone with the doctor standing about 4 feet away from me, and feel like throwing the phone out the window.  Rusty goes on to tell me that this should have been a 3 minute conversation but it turned into a 15 minute conversation because it was almost like talking to himself... The guy was sooo cool!!!  I asked what was so important that he needed to talk to me about.. He said, "Oh yeah!  If you add Budweiser as your friend on FB (he does not have FB) you get a chance to win cool prizes like a tix to some movie opening, apparel, and other random souveniers."  I hung up the phone and walked over to the nurse and told her, "If my brother's contact information is on record as someone to call in case of emergency, please take it out of my dad's records." 

Deep down, I really do love my brother and he is good with my kids...But if I ever get to the point where calling Budweiser in the middle of the afternoon seems like a good idea because I am bored, please just shoot me!!!

This is Soooo Not How I saw Myself Spending My 35th B-day

I made a resolution to make time for myself this year, to do things that "normal" people do, to make myself happy, and hopefully have a stress free year.  Well, screw that resolution!  I know we usually mess them up anyway, just didn't think it would be a week into the new year. 
Today is my 35th birthday.  I have never been one to really want to do anything extravagant for my birthday, but decided this year I would get a group of girlfriends together, go have dinner, and go dancing.  I bought myself a new outfit and was really excited about going out and having "me time."  Especially since I have spent the last month at home with my oldest son Brandon, who had his arm broken at school and I am dealing with a bunch of legal issues there.  I am stressing about some medical issues that have popped up in my life.  This past week was both Jorge and Mark's birthdays.  I needed to be able to enjoy myself without worrying about a thing. 
Some of you know that my father became ill last year.  He has had bladder cancer for the past year, but it is not a major issue in his life.  Last year, he went into complete renal failure from a mixture of contrast from a CT scan and his high blood pressure.  I almost lost him last year, but he is a trooper and decided he was going to fight and start dialysis because he thought I needed him around.  Of course I do, he's my daddy!  But I also do not want to watch one more of my loved ones suffer!  The road was rough at the beginning, in and out of the hospital.  But he was managing OK after that.  About a month or so ago, I noticed he was starting to look really bad.  He said the cold weather was just affecting him.  On New Year's Eve, my mom (they've been divorced 30 years) tried calling him and no answer.  She decided to go see him and said he looked like crap.  I tried calling him a few times this week, no answer.  He called me yesterday morning and said he had woken up late, was late for dialysis, and would call me when he got home.  He called me a little later and said he had been admitted to the hospital.  Apparently he went to sleep on Tuesday night after dialysis and never woke up until 11:00 A.M. on Thursday.  His breathing was very labored and he felt very weak.  He has been on oxygen at home for the past 9 months or so.  I went to the hospital last night, and he was not very coherent.  The nurse (I will call her Mary Poppins on crack) told me he was doing lovely, he just has congestive heart failure (on top of everything else wrong with him.) His numbers were sky high.  I gave her my number and asked her to please call me with any change in his condition and came home.  I called this morning and his nurse (The bitch from hell) asked for a pin number.  I told her I had no clue what she was talking about.  She said to get any info over the phone, that I would have to know a pin number that they gave to my dad when he was admitted.  I explained that my dad wasn't even really awake when I visited, and even if he was awake, he was in no condition to think about giving me some pin number.  I also explained, that I am basically all he has.  My brother could really care less about how my dad is doing.  She said, we took him down to dialysis, he has breakfast, and if you want to know anymore, you need to come in here.  (Now, my dad was admitted to this same hospital at least 5 times last year, and I was always called with any info they thought needed to be shared.  I also happen to live an hour away, so it's not like I can hop in the car and be there in 5 minutes.)  I tried calling my dad all day today, no answer.  But since I am home with Brandon, I couldn't go down until tonight.  My dad called me at 6:30 to tell me that he had been moved to the ICU everything else he said made no sense at all, especially the part about all the visitors in the room (angels?) I rushed down there and visiting hours for the ICU are different, you can only get into there until 7:00.  I told the nurse, about how I had tried to call earlier, and was under the impression that he was still in a normal room.  She let me in to see him.  His breathing is terrible.  Some things he said made sense, some things not so much.  To be perfectly honest, he didn't "look" bad.  He looked tan, and his face looked full (swollen), but he was gasping for air.  And he just looked so scared.  They would only let me visit for a few short minutes.  When I was leaving, I told him I wanted a birthday hug and kiss (we are not a very affectionate family.) I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead and told him he didn't need to fight anymore.  I had to tell Jorge and I had to tell Mark it was OK to let go.  I couldn't get those words out of my mouth.  He knew what I meant though.  I didn't cry when I walked out, I actually felt a sense of peace.  Then I called my mom (who has his medical power of attorney) and I told her that I was sure that if he gets to the point where he needs to be put on life support, I don't want that.  He doesn't either, but from conversations we have had in the past, they both needed to hear me say that.  I am ready to let me dad go.  I was ready last year when he was so ill, but he kept fighting.  His body can't take much more though.  Who knows, he might turn around and surprise us all.  I mean he is only 61.  But then again, Mark was only 3 and Jorge was only 37.  Whatever happens, I am ready.  Now, I am home, by myself, on my birthday, writing in some crazy blog about my crazy life.  Maybe, just maybe, one day things will be normal.  One can only hope! 

This Just Broke My Heart in a Million Pieces

OK, so this seriously broke my heart...Ryan does not talk much about his emotions.  I went to pick him up at my mom's house tonight, and he had written a song.  He got a new keyboard from Christmas, and this is his first song.  (He is 8)  I asked who it is about, and he said he does not know.  I am assuming it's about his dad.  He had my mom write down the lyrics for him.  The little post it note is the title.

It's called: If I Ever Known Someone Better Then You, It Would Be You

If you leave my soul,
I might feel alone,
And I might feel so sad.

I wish you didn't leave,
What have I ever done,
Just stay with me please.

(repeat three times)

Yes, I know it's only two verses, but again, he's 8.  He played the keyboard and made me sing this song.  (The music he played was upbeat at least! )