Goodbye Dad....

One week ago today, my dad passed away.  He got sick a little over a year ago, had his ups and downs this past year, but was hospitalized in January of this year and never got better.  I think part of the reason that I am handling this as well as I am at this moment is because his death did not come as a shock to me.  I had been telling the doctors for at least a month before his passing that I didn't think he was getting better, and I wanted to have a chance to take him home so he could breath fresh air, be around his loved ones, and be free from the hospital bed.  That never happened.  Instead the day before he passed, he finally made the decision for himself to not continue dialysis, to not have anymore tests, no more pokes, just comfort measures.  All he wanted to was to go outside and breath fresh air.  Oh, and drink a pepsi and smoke a cigarette! :)  Such simple little things, things you and I take for granted and that's all he wanted before he passed.  He had not been allowed to drink Pepsi for the past year and that was his FAVORITE!  At least I was able to get that for him.  As I was leaving the room that Thursday afternoon, he called after me to come back in the room.  He told me to give him a kiss and he told me that he loved me.    I walked out of the hospital crying somehow knowing that would be the last time I ever heard my father speak to me, the last time I ever heard him tell me he loved me, the last kiss he would ever give me.  The next morning I woke up and received a message to get to the hospital immediately.  By the time I arrived at the hospital, he had already passed away.  I was escorted into a room to say goodbye to him.  Then I was handed a piece of paper and walked out of the hospital knowing that my life had just changed forever.  I was told that he had slipped into a coma overnight, and that his death was very peaceful, and in my heart I know he didn't want me to be there when he passed.  He told me that the day before.


    Tomorrow, we are having the Memorial Service for him.  And on Monday, I will take his ashes to be buried at the Veteran's Cemetery near Annapolis.  I have been doing ok this week.  I have been through this two times before and always seems to be the same.  The first week is like just going through the motions, get done what needs to be done, and worry about falling apart later.  I want to thank everyone who has been there for me through this and everything else that has gone on in my life.  I really pray that this is the last major tragedy that our family has to deal with anytime soon.  We have lost Mark, lost Jorge, and now my dad.  I know that I have three angels looking down on me watching over me.  I just really wish they were still here with me now.  Those were three of the strongest people I have ever met and each one taught me something about myself, about life, about love, that no one else could ever show me.