People ask me all the time why I am still single. What is wrong with me that I cannot find a man? My answer? Why does something have to be wrong with me? The problem with our society is that we believe unless we are all paired up, there is something wrong.
I have not always been single, and to be perfectly honest, the happiest times of my life were when I had a partner to share my life with. Just because I am “single” that does not mean there is something lacking in me that I cannot find a man. I spent the majority of my 20’s married, living in the suburbs, with my 2.5 kids, SUV, two car garage home, living the American dream. Only problem, it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. I had to watch my oldest son be diagnosed with cancer and buried him before I was 25 years old. Two weeks after his death, his younger brother was diagnosed with autism. As much as Jorge and I were alike, we were also so different. Neither one of us liked fighting or confrontations. So, if there was something that we disagreed about we just didn’t talk. (I can honestly only remember one time that we actually argued in all the years that we knew each other.) I wanted someone who I could talk to about what I was feeling, and he did not know how to communicate/share his feelings. I loved being a mother and wife. I loved knowing that when my husband came home at the end of the day, he was coming home to a clean house, dinner ready, looking pretty, and the kids happy to see Daddy. But those happy days seemed to fade away as the years went by. Jorge would work longer hours to avoid coming home. He didn’t want to have to deal with what was really our life. His mom had somehow convinced him if he hadn’t married an American woman, things would have been so much different. (Because according to her, Latinos don’t get cancer or autism or have bills to pay or stresses.) We finally reached the point after having another child that we knew we could not continue like this.
We tried to pretend to be happy for another two years, but finally agreed it was best to go our separate ways while we were still both young enough to find love again. I say again, but looking back, neither one of us was really in love, we just wanted someone there in our lives, we were friends, it worked for us. We sold our house and turned into the typical divorced family with weekend visitations for Daddy. Funny thing is that once we were no longer living under the same roof, we became even closer. Anytime I was happy, sad, and good or bad, Jorge was the first person I would pick up the phone to call and vice versa. Problem was that I was not used to this new found freedom. I had weekends to myself to do whatever I wanted. And that’s exactly what I did. I did WHATEVER I wanted. I partied, I dated, I went a little crazy. I met all the wrong men. I was the perfect mom during the week, and then on weekends I would go crazy. And I paid the price. Some of you may know what I am talking about, and for those that don’t, it doesn’t really matter. Just know that I went through something that I don’t wish to ever go through again, but some good has come from it. I dated a few more men, but always seemed to find the ones that were so wrong for me. It was as if I actually tried to find the wrong ones so that I would not have to commit. They might have been married, bad boys, whatever, it didn’t matter. I think deep down, I didn’t want to get attached to anyone for two reasons. If they weren’t available, they couldn’t hurt me, and secondly, out of some sort of respect to Jorge, I didn’t feel right having another man here in front of his kids. That part is probably more of an excuse though. Even before Jorge got sick, he would always tell me that the one thing that he wanted for me was to find a good man; a man who loved me and his kids.
About three years ago, I decided it was time to grow up. I went back to school, was working again fulltime and things seemed really good for awhile. Then last year, my worst nightmare became a reality. Jorge became ill, and I knew what I had to do. The man who had given so much of himself to me and to his boys needed me. I put everything else in my life on hold and I took care of him. The doctors told him he didn’t have much time, so I brought him home with me so that he could be with his boys. They were his whole entire world! He loved them more than life itself. So, all I could do was try and make him as comfortable as possible so that he had that time with them. We would spend our days just sitting in silence, no words were really needed. I knew that he was not a talker, but I knew he appreciated what I was doing for him. Towards the end, Jorge would tell me every night, “I want you to be happy. You are such a good person; find someone to make you happy. And make sure they are good to my boys.” And on his final day, he reached for my hand, and told me that he loved me and thanked me for taking care of him. (As crazy as it may seem for me to say this, that was the only time I have ever heard Jorge tell me he loved me.)
Three weeks after Jorge died, I met someone. It was almost as if it was fate. He was perfect. (Ha! Ha! Ha!) Well, at least he was the opposite of anyone I had ever dated. For a short time I was really happy. Confused as hell... but happy to have someone in my life who at least appeared to be someone who I could see myself being with. He was single, good job, didn’t drink, smoke, swear, no vices…We would go out; we would stay in and just be comfortable in our sweats watching movies, watching football, cooking dinner, normal things! Then one day he just disappeared with just a text message saying he was on his way to Florida. WTF??? Those of you that know me know the rest of that story and why he was so dysfunctional anyway, it was still a blow to my ego as far as men go though. So, once again, I was back to being all by myself.
There is one more man I should mention. He is someone I met about three years ago; around the same time that I decided I needed to screw my head back on straight. Over the last three years, we have seen each other when time permitted. We both had a lot of things going on in our lives. Regardless, I always seemed to have a special place in my heart for him. Right now we both have a lot of issues that we have to work on in our separate lives and it’s not the right time to try to start a relationship together. I know for me personally, as far as I have come, I still have a lot to work on before I will be ready to be with someone else. And the two most important people to me are my children. I need to put them first when considering my future. It does give me hope though knowing that there is someone out there that makes me feel the way he does. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me feel so safe whenever he puts his arms around me, his voice still gives me butterflies, and yes he drives me crazy (and not always in a good way! LOL) Even if things don’t work out in the future between the two of us, I am happy knowing that he will always be my friend. And it gives me hope that if I can feel that way about him, I am sure there is someone else who will eventually come along to make me feel that way too if we decide down the road we want to remain friends. So, why am I single? It’s because I have matured enough to know that just because I have a boyfriend/husband/lover/whatever that does not make my life complete. I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. What do I hope happens in the future? I would like to finish up my degree, find a job that is rewarding not only financially, but emotionally. I want to see my children accomplishing whatever goals they set for themselves, and I wouldn’t mind having that special someone that comes home at the end of the day gives me a big hug and kiss, talks to me about how their day was, be able to sit down and enjoy dinner as a family and at the end of the night, be able to lay in bed, with their arms wrapped around me and tell me that they love me! For right now, I will settle for sharing my bed with an eight year old and his puppy who keep trying to hog the covers! And and eleven year old who loves me more than life, especially when I share my French fries with him! LOL
I have not always been single, and to be perfectly honest, the happiest times of my life were when I had a partner to share my life with. Just because I am “single” that does not mean there is something lacking in me that I cannot find a man. I spent the majority of my 20’s married, living in the suburbs, with my 2.5 kids, SUV, two car garage home, living the American dream. Only problem, it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare. I had to watch my oldest son be diagnosed with cancer and buried him before I was 25 years old. Two weeks after his death, his younger brother was diagnosed with autism. As much as Jorge and I were alike, we were also so different. Neither one of us liked fighting or confrontations. So, if there was something that we disagreed about we just didn’t talk. (I can honestly only remember one time that we actually argued in all the years that we knew each other.) I wanted someone who I could talk to about what I was feeling, and he did not know how to communicate/share his feelings. I loved being a mother and wife. I loved knowing that when my husband came home at the end of the day, he was coming home to a clean house, dinner ready, looking pretty, and the kids happy to see Daddy. But those happy days seemed to fade away as the years went by. Jorge would work longer hours to avoid coming home. He didn’t want to have to deal with what was really our life. His mom had somehow convinced him if he hadn’t married an American woman, things would have been so much different. (Because according to her, Latinos don’t get cancer or autism or have bills to pay or stresses.) We finally reached the point after having another child that we knew we could not continue like this.
We tried to pretend to be happy for another two years, but finally agreed it was best to go our separate ways while we were still both young enough to find love again. I say again, but looking back, neither one of us was really in love, we just wanted someone there in our lives, we were friends, it worked for us. We sold our house and turned into the typical divorced family with weekend visitations for Daddy. Funny thing is that once we were no longer living under the same roof, we became even closer. Anytime I was happy, sad, and good or bad, Jorge was the first person I would pick up the phone to call and vice versa. Problem was that I was not used to this new found freedom. I had weekends to myself to do whatever I wanted. And that’s exactly what I did. I did WHATEVER I wanted. I partied, I dated, I went a little crazy. I met all the wrong men. I was the perfect mom during the week, and then on weekends I would go crazy. And I paid the price. Some of you may know what I am talking about, and for those that don’t, it doesn’t really matter. Just know that I went through something that I don’t wish to ever go through again, but some good has come from it. I dated a few more men, but always seemed to find the ones that were so wrong for me. It was as if I actually tried to find the wrong ones so that I would not have to commit. They might have been married, bad boys, whatever, it didn’t matter. I think deep down, I didn’t want to get attached to anyone for two reasons. If they weren’t available, they couldn’t hurt me, and secondly, out of some sort of respect to Jorge, I didn’t feel right having another man here in front of his kids. That part is probably more of an excuse though. Even before Jorge got sick, he would always tell me that the one thing that he wanted for me was to find a good man; a man who loved me and his kids.
About three years ago, I decided it was time to grow up. I went back to school, was working again fulltime and things seemed really good for awhile. Then last year, my worst nightmare became a reality. Jorge became ill, and I knew what I had to do. The man who had given so much of himself to me and to his boys needed me. I put everything else in my life on hold and I took care of him. The doctors told him he didn’t have much time, so I brought him home with me so that he could be with his boys. They were his whole entire world! He loved them more than life itself. So, all I could do was try and make him as comfortable as possible so that he had that time with them. We would spend our days just sitting in silence, no words were really needed. I knew that he was not a talker, but I knew he appreciated what I was doing for him. Towards the end, Jorge would tell me every night, “I want you to be happy. You are such a good person; find someone to make you happy. And make sure they are good to my boys.” And on his final day, he reached for my hand, and told me that he loved me and thanked me for taking care of him. (As crazy as it may seem for me to say this, that was the only time I have ever heard Jorge tell me he loved me.)
Three weeks after Jorge died, I met someone. It was almost as if it was fate. He was perfect. (Ha! Ha! Ha!) Well, at least he was the opposite of anyone I had ever dated. For a short time I was really happy. Confused as hell... but happy to have someone in my life who at least appeared to be someone who I could see myself being with. He was single, good job, didn’t drink, smoke, swear, no vices…We would go out; we would stay in and just be comfortable in our sweats watching movies, watching football, cooking dinner, normal things! Then one day he just disappeared with just a text message saying he was on his way to Florida. WTF??? Those of you that know me know the rest of that story and why he was so dysfunctional anyway, it was still a blow to my ego as far as men go though. So, once again, I was back to being all by myself.
There is one more man I should mention. He is someone I met about three years ago; around the same time that I decided I needed to screw my head back on straight. Over the last three years, we have seen each other when time permitted. We both had a lot of things going on in our lives. Regardless, I always seemed to have a special place in my heart for him. Right now we both have a lot of issues that we have to work on in our separate lives and it’s not the right time to try to start a relationship together. I know for me personally, as far as I have come, I still have a lot to work on before I will be ready to be with someone else. And the two most important people to me are my children. I need to put them first when considering my future. It does give me hope though knowing that there is someone out there that makes me feel the way he does. He makes me smile, makes me laugh, makes me feel so safe whenever he puts his arms around me, his voice still gives me butterflies, and yes he drives me crazy (and not always in a good way! LOL) Even if things don’t work out in the future between the two of us, I am happy knowing that he will always be my friend. And it gives me hope that if I can feel that way about him, I am sure there is someone else who will eventually come along to make me feel that way too if we decide down the road we want to remain friends. So, why am I single? It’s because I have matured enough to know that just because I have a boyfriend/husband/lover/whatever that does not make my life complete. I need to be happy with myself before I can be happy with someone else. What do I hope happens in the future? I would like to finish up my degree, find a job that is rewarding not only financially, but emotionally. I want to see my children accomplishing whatever goals they set for themselves, and I wouldn’t mind having that special someone that comes home at the end of the day gives me a big hug and kiss, talks to me about how their day was, be able to sit down and enjoy dinner as a family and at the end of the night, be able to lay in bed, with their arms wrapped around me and tell me that they love me! For right now, I will settle for sharing my bed with an eight year old and his puppy who keep trying to hog the covers! And and eleven year old who loves me more than life, especially when I share my French fries with him! LOL
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